Let's Talk About Value

See this is the type of realness we need more of here on the Chengdu Forum. Value is something we don’t talk about enough, and I think that is why most of us just kinda stagnate like silver bars, instead of rising to the top of the value chain like iPhones, you feel me? I know its 4am and all and I should be sleeping soundly in order to keep my skin tight (which is kinda one of the values I was going to get into: I keep my skin tight) but I was rudely awoken … awakened … shaken awake? by the glass of water I drank just before I went to bed.

But yo I am getting off topic. Value.

I am actually not the sensitive type. I tend to be kinda brisk and I dont really listen well. But I tell great jokes, I used to be handsome and I can still play it off like I still am, and having traveled extensively, I have many experiences which women find valuable. I am constantly trying to up my game, by getting married and having kids, you know, cuz other women really appreciate the fact that I take care of my family. And by riding my bike a lot to get rid of this flab around my belly. I hang around people of value a lot, to get that trickle down value, cuz eagles of a claw hang out in the same spot and shit if you know what i mean.

I think i dont really have as much value as Billy, but I may have had some of that value at one time, but i straight cashed my value in and now i am just you know, you could say like i cashed that in a while ago and now i am reaping the rewards. I dont need to be valuable now right? Cuz I already got picked up off the shelf. So that’s my word.

This is a nebulous topic, but here goes:

I’m always focused on improvement but don’t think I give a lot of thought to what I offer the opposite sex. I strive to continually improve my skills and knowledge, my mental and physical condition, and be building things that make the world a better place, but the relationship part as an extension always seems to work itself out. I highly value intermittent periods of solitude to clear my head and take stock of what’s important.

In recent years I have less interest in chasing numerous women around, although I’m still pretty much opposed to the idea of marriage, especially in China considering the cultural gap between myself Chinese women (that’s a generalization). I recently took a no-script 15-week road trip across the United States and it’s experiences like that which are among the most life affirming for me. Sometimes I date people for more than a few months and they say I have a fear of commitment. I wouldn’t call it a fear, but I think it’s true that I’m opposed to a certain kind of commitment at this point in my life. Chinese girls in general have a distorted view of this in my opinion, in a country where this is commonplace.

I think what I’m trying to say is that no matter how great your values are, you also have to be able to sell them.

My wife said I’m priceless. Before we got married I stipulated that I would never wear matching t-shirts

The value of owning 10 apartments, each with it’s own Gucci bag wardrobe aside…

Attraction, relationship, and behaviour have interested me immeasurably since reading Desmond Morris’s ‘The Human Zoo’ while still in Secondary school. It left a heavy impression, depicting Humans as animals in an unnatural habitat, fighting against both primeval urges, and socioeconomic pressures. Amongst the many topics discussed, he looks at the introduction of ‘lay away’ or ‘credit’, which allowed the urban animal to accumulate status symbols he otherwise could not warrant or afford, and how this phenomenon led to the subsequent skewing of natural order. It’s a book that would read as indelibly apt for China at this point in time, magnified further by the emasculation of so many Chinese males already referenced in this thread. Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Blink’ is a more recent book that looks closely at our instinctual synapses, and the ability we have to surmise a magnitude of information within fractions of a second. Trusting in your own judgement has been systematically overridden by the societies within which we live.

Joking aside on point of value, and as unobliged as I feel to even discuss it seriously, the paradox of any value system that doesn’t adhere to empirical values (number of apartments/bags/cars owned doesn’t count) is that it’s purely subjective. No one can say that the middle classes in China aren’t vocal about their aspirations toward ‘betterment’, it’s a topic of discussion I find myself embroiled in frequently with Chinese and expats alike. Ultimately, any system of beliefs or ‘value’ should be your own, without need of declaration, impervious to provocation. I see too many people chasing what they believe to be important in the moment, only to turn around down the road and realise they missed the journey.

@Vincent: LOL.

These discussions just take on a life of their own, huh? Like a Socratic hydra. We’re using the word ‘value’ in reference to our own self worth, what we can offer our partners, AND also the beliefs we hold in our own value system. Are we talking about attraction only? Or compatibility in a relationship? How about a relationship that endures?

So, let’s assume we take ‘value’ to mean those characteristics/traits/possessions/achievements/etc. that we ourselves, potential partners and society view as attractive, desirable and beneficial. The level (whether quantifiable or not) of ‘value’ as perceived by the other will necessarily depend on that person’s unique position, worldview and most importantly – their own bargaining power. E.g. are they looking for someone who can equal them in x respect, or are they just looking for someone who can show them loyal and unwavering love and affection? Even if everything works out initially, everything is prone to flux so a change here or there could well impact the relationship.

It’s quite difficult to generalise, so I can only really talk about myself. As a teenager, I used to have a list of adjectives to describe my ideal partner. What happened was that I’d ascribe these traits to the first guy who met my subconscious attractiveness criteria; it was more of a forced projection of values than anything. What it was guided by, I have no clue.

I’m agreeing with Charlie here when I say that nobody should shape their life and personality with regard to how attractive you can appear to the opposite sex. Some of my friends are very independent and like a man who has all those aforementioned qualities (looks, intelligence, etc.) but who doesn’t try and overtly sell these qualities to every girl he sees; in that sense it would appear that he does these things for himself. It makes sense to me – what if the relationship doesn’t work out? How can you possibly mould yourself into every girl’s dream partner? You simply can’t. You’ve just got to be true to your values, be secure in yourself and very naturally, the confidence and passion that will emanate from you will attract people without even trying to. Those two things – confidence and passion – I believe, are the most attractive qualities in any person.

Like Sascha, I’m no longer ‘in the market’ as it were so I am may not be an authority on the matter. I do still care about my own self worth/potential attractiveness though, and it doesn’t disappear if you’re in a relationship. I like to think that investing in myself pays me back every day. 🙂

Finally, I feel I must shamefully own up to possessing not just one, but two sets of couples’ T-shirts. My boyfriend refuses to wear them in public and if he does, it goes under a jumper. I don’t blame him though!

– Napoleon Dynamite, 2004

I think I’m going to throw up. I thought the forum was about Chengdu…. Chengdu Dr Phil forum?