Is there True Friendship Between Genders?

[Gabby.Yan]

Recently I find that I am getting used to my Japanese male-friend. I want know everything about him. If one day he doesn’t answer me, I will feel so frustrated. But there is no future for us because of culture shock and traditional concepts. We will exchange emails everyday. Should I stop? Can I prevent the friendship from developing into a love affair?

[Sascha]

you know there was a post in the China Daily Show about this …

http://tinyurl.com/aasvj7a

I don’t mean to make fun of you, but the language you use to describe your problems sounds funny in English. I am pretty sure you already have feelings that you may think are “love” but are actually what we in the West know as “puppy love” or, in the worst case scenario, “obsession”.

my advice is to just relax and enjoy the messages when you receive them and reply with an open heart. Stop thinking too much about everything, if that is at all possible. Your obsession will destroy the relationship (if this were a Western man, for sure), but perhaps Japanese men are familiar with the special way Asian women show their affections.

[Gabby.Yan]

TQ for your advice. Yes,It seems funny.becoz you totally didn’t understand my problem. But I agree with you that it will destrory the relationship. I mentioned to him about this problem .But he said he has the same feeling with me. Maybe the feeling is as you said “obsession”. I can stop but won’t to stop. You know what.In my country, in most cases,friendship is the beggening of affections. That is my worries.

[AlexArc]

This is an age old question. Can people of the opposite sex truly be friends without ever feeling something for each other at some point?

In my experience, the answer to that question is yes, I have (girl)friends that I haven’t even thought about dating, even though I find some of them attractive. Where it gets complicated is that, even if I feel that way, there’s no guarantee that she feels the same. She could be completely in love with me, which, well, would complicate our relationship a lot. Of course, the opposite can happen as well. I might have a huge crush on a girl, but she might just see me as a friend. (The friend zone!)

In my personal experience, if the girls are slightly older or younger than me, what will usually form is some type of pseudo ”brother sister” type of relationship.

To me, based on what your writing, it sounds like your way past that point. You no longer see each other as ”just friends”, you already seem to care for each other at a romantic level. This is

of course natural.

And yes, many romantic relationships do begin with friendship, in fact, many people think that the best relationships begin that way, since you already are comfortable with each other.

Only you can decide what to do, you could essentially just friend zone him and say you want to simply stay as friends and force it over your own feelings and his, which might be painful but worth it in the end. Or you could just cut him off completely, which of course will be painful as well. Or maybe just go for it? Dunno!

Just my 2 cents.

[Billy]

Of course. But only if both members aren’t attracted to each other.

[Gabby.Yan]

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I have (girl)friends that I haven’t even thought about dating, even though I find some of them attractive.

That is maybe you think they will refuse you .Or you want a stable relationship from the begining.

[Gabby.Yan]

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In my personal experience, if the girls are slightly older or younger than me, what will usually form is some type of pseudo ”brother sister” type of relationship.

I can accept someone even younger than me. but his personalities must be attractive.

[Gabby.Yan]

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it sounds like your way past that point. You no longer see each other as ”just friends”, you already seem to care for each other at a romantic level.

Yes,Maby that’s true.But we know it impossible for both of us. he is very sensitive about our relationship since he is a Japanese.

[Gabby.Yan]

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Of course. But only if both members aren’t attracted to each other.

If I am not sure.what I gonna to do? I am not sure if he have the feeling for me.

[Sascha]

this whole thread needs to be bottled up and sold. (but let’s add some more stuff first)

Who cares if he is Japanese? Love, girl, is blind.

[Charlie]

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But there is no future for us because of culture shock and traditional concepts.

Don’t let that, or anything, stop you if you have feelings for someone. Make your intentions known and take the risk. Worst case scenario is you get rejected and can move on knowing that you tried.

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In my personal experience, if the girls are slightly older or younger than me, what will usually form is some type of pseudo ”brother sister” type of relationship.

This is what I’ve experienced also. A lot of my friends of the opposite sex are people I’ve dated in the past, broken up with, didn’t talk to for months or years, and then became friends again after the dust settled.

[Lisa]

Sounds like you’re not sure exactly how he feels towards you. If you don’t know, it’s kinda difficult for us to give any constructive advice really.

What do you want to happen? If he did feel the same, would you start a relationship, or would you resist because of the anticipated reaction from your friends and family? Can you push through those barriers and make it work?

If things don’t work out for any reason, the final outcome will depend on how comfortable you both feel being friends. Most likely one or both of you will find it difficult and you will lose touch for a while, after which time you might get over him and you can resume being friends. You probably won’t be as close as you were.

But yes in theory and in practise it is possible for true friendships to form. It does get complicated if the people in question have once both had strong feelings for each other, but it depends on the situation really. In general, one’s level of attraction to a mate changes over time, so you should be able to overcome this eventually and benefit from a more stable friendship with this guy. That is, if it is really worth it to you.

[Tracy Lee]

Hi, Gabby.Yan. Here is my advice: Anyway, you are from different countries; anyway, this relationship may not last forever. So, you really annoyed yourself by guessing what he is thinking. Therefore, I think you can tell him directly what you are thinking or you like him and then find out what he is exactly thinking. If he has the same feeling as yours, you guys should be brave and honest to your hearts and try your best to make the love relationship work even there are so many culture difference or geographic distance. Trust me, you will not regret even it cant work in the future because you have tried. If he doesnt feel the same way as you, then forget it and move on. Never expect that you can still keep the same position by torturing yourself everyday by this kind of feelings.

[AlexArc]

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That is maybe you think they will refuse you .Or you want a stable relationship from the begining.

I wouldn’t say that.

Generally speaking I know what I want from a romantic partner, and if I’m friends with someone, I usually know them well enough if they have that or not.

Also, rejection is something I’m not afraid of. I’m fully aware of the fact that, even though I might find someone attractive and like their personal traits, the person at hand might not have the same feelings for me. Truth is, if you are a person who actively seeks girls to hook up with, (like I used to do) you will hit by rejection more often than not.

[Bella]

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you are from different countries; anyway, this relationship may not last forever.

I think the most inportant is that he is a Japanese, you are a Chinese. You two countries has many conflict recently. what do you think?

[Bella]

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Trust me, you will not regret even it cant work in the future because you have tried

But if he is married?how can I do?

[Brendan]

This thread is heart strings comedy gold (with some wisdom twists thrown in)!!

Here’s my early morning tuppence…

If you genuinely feel anything for anyone beyond a momentary infatuation, you should let your feelings be known as completely as they can be. It will take you far longer to come to terms with having shied away from your emotions than it would to just confront them and face the consequences. Life is risk, and it’s the risk that brings reward, even if you don’t get what you want in the moment. If you’re really taken with someone and you feel any reciprocation from them, why would you waste time worrying about ‘what if’s’? Beyond that, stop over thinking and make a choice!

Personally some of my closest friends have been made of women I’ve been attracted to, or vice versa. There are some things I can discuss with my female friends that I just can’t broach with most male friends. These friendships are invaluable to me.

Know what you want, and go after it without hesitation.

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But if he is married?how can I do?

This is a whole new ball park! Maybe if you gave us some more information to go on…

[Rick in China]

@Bella

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“But if he is married?how can I do?

I thought there was only one rule in China regarding these type of relationships……

Get Paid Up Front.

[Tracy Lee]

Hi Bella. I don’t think that the political conflicts between two countries will ruin the love relationship. One of my classmates married a Japanese and she is happy everyday.

But I can only say that if it was me, a married man is absolutely unacceptable. I look down upon people who have affairs, frankly speaking.

[Tracy Lee]

Maybe my opinion about marriage is too strict because some people will say that there is no mistake in true love. But I think that is something that distincts human beings from animals. 🙂

[Author]

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